Saturday, October 22, 2011


BIRTHDAY SPECIAL !!!! *claps* *whistles*

yayeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!

This birthday was really special.
I wasn't really excited. I wasn't very happy.
I even cried.
I was feeling a little lonely .. I decided to stay at home to.... but then in the morning I changed my mind.. I went to college.

As I entered the class everybody started wishing ... and the whole class sang happy birthday.. followed by innumerable hugs and kisses was amazing!
since it was my birthday me and few of my friends decided to bunk a lecture..
and then suddenly we planned to go to new Delhi railway station ..and travel in airport line metro and go to dhaula kuan ... and then to shankti niketan ... yay !
so we went there...we went to this awesome Chinese food joint called QD's ...we were 5 people .. and we had like 2 plates malai kebabs (they serve indian too)..2 plates honey chilli potato ..2 plates chilli chicken ..1 fried rice ..1 Singaporey noodles ..1 tandoori momos ..2 Manchurian ..and we finished it too...all of it .. and for 15minutes we couldn't move from our chairs..after that ..we sat on the footpath for a while... teased boys..yes...although our whistles were not audible.. i got to check out and whistle at the best of the lot. :D
We got high on water the and discussed stupid shit..planned a trip to Goa .. then we searched for alcohol to sober up.. but we couldn't find it ..(its an institutional area so lounges don't serve alcohol there) then we decided to go to cannaught place ..* COCO-BERRY!* took an auto ..sang katiya karooon .. jalebi bai ...and what not. and planned to buy few embassy s and bungalows of politicians etc..we were screaming all the way ! shouting ..out of control. We apologised to the auto walle bhaiya !
There in cp, I made the guy give us extra toppings for no extra cost. :D we were acting like retards . it was soo much fun. *sigh* I told him ..its my birthday and he has to give them .. then we started shouting please please please ! and he had to agree:)
After eating yoghurt we finally decided to go back home.. oh yes. on the way back i danced at the metro station.. and in the metro as well ! It was unexpected ..random and so much fun. I never had so much fun in my life.. I never thought I could have people who would do all this for me .. to make my day special.. I was really touched.

honestly ,I never gave them so much importance.. but then .. am *short of words*
(some feelings words can't define)

This birthday I learnt a lesson :-

To became a part of someone else's life , first you have to give them space in your's , you have to give them a part of you ... it becomes theirs and only then you can connect to them .

With me it was like .. I wanted to be a part of their life but I did not want them to give them that part of me which would connect us .. I was scared to give it to them..I was scared they would hurt me.. I thought they would not value it . they would just not like it .. I was just not ready to take that chance ... but its not like that. It's me not them.

I realize that .. I want to take that chance with people without being scared.. at least I want to try.

To Friendship. I hope there exist something like that :)

Sunday, October 9, 2011


LOVE.. we all need love.
what if it starts becoming an obsession , not love but the whole idea of love .

That's precisely what the movies .. Serials ..novels ...and to some extent a girls college does to you.
They make you fall in love with the idea of love , idea of perfection and perfect happy-ness .
You see your close friends celebrating anniversaries , saving money for gifts , receiving gifts. you see lovers getting united after much labor on the celluloid . It all makes you want that. its not jealousy or any ill feeling. It just makes you feel incomplete when you're not. (Hormones have a little role to play too).

I think that is what is happening with me, though a careful perusal is needed .

OK, talking About love. "all you need is love is all you need " Beatles too agree.

I am loved. I am downright spoilt for it but from the past few days i am feeling starved. I have people whom i can just go and hug , i lean in for a kiss , If they are far away i can just pick up my phone dail and say i love you ! scrible on their fb wall and let the whole world know i love them . I take chances with them , i just trust them and they never let me down .
Same with them .. if they ask for a hug ..i fly to them and hold them .. my mom calls me up in college and asks me to come home early because she misses me and she wants to talk i go running straight away into her arms .. my grandmom sometimes asks me to bunk college and stay at home with her and she'll let me to order pizza ..i do..i sleep till late then we watch T.V and chat... My dad still buys me choclates when am angry with him..sometimes a muffin.

I have everything.

BUT somehow i've been feeling starved of the feeling of being LOVED . I know i am loved , but still i need to be loved. and you know the worst part is i am scared when i am loved ..i am scared that i will hurt people , i am scared i will let them down..

If someone hurts me ..someone close ,then more than feeling sad or angry i feel scared that i will hurt someone someday , the same way.. some one dear.. someone i would never want to loose.

And then I shut myself from people. i don't let the people who are close to me reach out for me. and I who are not .. i don't let them make their place in my heart..

And then i can't get over the feeling of being incomplete too.

Lately , My best friend went to Bangalore and I miss her.. It's been long since I met the other one few days more than ! effing month :'(. I fell for a guy almost 2 yrs back and am waiting for him to fall for me.

but I have other friends ..who are there...who are loving and caring.. but these people carry a part of my heart and they are away .. I want to see them more often . Hug and kiss them more often . I want to stay together .. in a more tangible way...

The whole idea of perfection , of love or the idea of love. I want it to be perfect just like in movies ..the way friends stay together .. the way lovers unite .. am waiting for that LITERALLY.

But then they are my childhood friends .. come on man I love them .. and here's my love and I love him.. AND no one can take their place. but then... NO ONE!!

But I am not letting other people make their place in my heart.. as in a definite permanent place.

We all know no one will stay with you forever *in that tangible way* and still I wan't it the other way round, the perfect way....*I am sulking ughgh*

why ?


why the sadness ?
*the idea of love*
*of perfection*

is it ?

IDK *ughghghgh*

TO LOVE. I just hope its not an illusion.
AND the idea of love- I hope its true.

P.S - Birthday post -in the drafts , will soon follow.

Friday, October 7, 2011


Getting louder and louder
those distant cries
Ruin..their ruin is it ?
they are coming closer
I can't breathe.

I have seen worlds
different worlds
i hear the same cries
they are coming closer .
i feel scared.

Happiness is it so difficult ?
running people i see ,
to where i try to find ?
pain is all i see ..
all i feel ..everywhere...
rest, i cannot see.

Those cries are in me
they are not minr
but dwell in the insides
slowly ..
do they bring my ruin ?
I don't know.

Is this dark really dark ?
or just shadows of past .
shadows...are they really ?
or just illusions my mind creates
are they really mine?
I am lost.