what if it starts becoming an obsession , not love but the whole idea of love .
That's precisely what the movies .. Serials ..novels ...and to some extent a girls college does to you.
They make you fall in love with the idea of love , idea of perfection and perfect happy-ness .
You see your close friends celebrating anniversaries , saving money for gifts , receiving gifts. you see lovers getting united after much labor on the celluloid . It all makes you want that. its not jealousy or any ill feeling. It just makes you feel incomplete when you're not. (Hormones have a little role to play too).
I think that is what is happening with me, though a careful perusal is needed .
OK, talking About love. "all you need is love ..love ...love is all you need " Beatles too agree.
I am loved. I am downright spoilt for it but from the past few days i am feeling starved. I have people whom i can just go and hug , i lean in for a kiss , If they are far away i can just pick up my phone dail and say i love you ! scrible on their fb wall and let the whole world know i love them . I take chances with them , i just trust them and they never let me down .
Same with them .. if they ask for a hug ..i fly to them and hold them .. my mom calls me up in college and asks me to come home early because she misses me and she wants to talk i go running straight away into her arms .. my grandmom sometimes asks me to bunk college and stay at home with her and she'll let me to order pizza ..i do..i sleep till late then we watch T.V and chat... My dad still buys me choclates when am angry with him..sometimes a muffin.
I have everything.
BUT somehow i've been feeling starved of the feeling of being LOVED . I know i am loved , but still i need to be loved. and you know the worst part is i am scared when i am loved ..i am scared that i will hurt people , i am scared i will let them down..
If someone hurts me ..someone close ,then more than feeling sad or angry i feel scared that i will hurt someone someday , the same way.. some one dear.. someone i would never want to loose.
And then I shut myself from people. i don't let the people who are close to me reach out for me. and I who are not .. i don't let them make their place in my heart..
And then i can't get over the feeling of being incomplete too.
Lately , My best friend went to Bangalore and I miss her.. It's been long since I met the other one few days more than ! effing month :'(. I fell for a guy almost 2 yrs back and am waiting for him to fall for me.
but I have other friends ..who are there...who are loving and caring.. but these people carry a part of my heart and they are away .. I want to see them more often . Hug and kiss them more often . I want to stay together .. in a more tangible way...
AND THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT .
The whole idea of perfection , of love or the idea of love. I want it to be perfect just like in movies ..the way friends stay together .. the way lovers unite .. am waiting for that LITERALLY.
But then they are my friends..my childhood friends .. come on man I love them .. and here's my love and I love him.. AND no one can take their place. but then... NO ONE!!
But I am not letting other people make their place in my heart.. as in a definite permanent place.
We all know no one will stay with you forever *in that tangible way* and still I wan't it the other way round, the perfect way....*I am sulking ughgh*
why the sadness ?
*the idea of love*
is it ?
TO LOVE. I just hope its not an illusion.
AND the idea of love- I hope its true.
P.S - Birthday post -in the drafts , will soon follow.